Never Advance Your Class
by NaokoYouko
Summary: Because you all wanted it...The sequel to Never Give A Ninja Alcohol! But I guess it works on its own. In my opinion, slightly less funny, but in the opinion of my test subject, perfect. Teen Titans and Spongebob references inside. neither of which I own


Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to anything in Final Fantasy Tactics: Advance, but my specific party is unique to my game, and the personalities I gave them are my own creations. Please don't copy them without my permission. Oh, and by the way, 'Clan Koumori' is _my_ name for _my_ clan. Just to clarify.

_Dedicated to my few friends who know the TRUE meaning of the words 'My muffiny dreams have been shattered.'_

Never Advance Your Class

By

Naoko Youko

Attention is a very valuable thing. If all of our little subjects, who you may remember from the last 'adventure', didn't have the collective attention span of a bar of soap, then the land that Clan Koumori controlled would not have fallen into the hands of enemy idiots with slightly superior attention spans. So, with that small introduction out of the way…Clan Koumori was split up into a few separate groups on dispatch missions to reclaim the areas that had fallen out of their control. Jeanne, Lorek, and Hodges went to get back Giza Plains while Marche, Heath, Montblanc and Julianne ((who was not only Jeanne's little sister, but another Viera fencer and a sort of new recruit since the 'alcohol incident', as it came to be known)) went to the Koringwood. As Lorek, Hodges, and Jeanne were on their way back to Muscadet, where they had agreed to join the rest of the party.

"I wonder how Melora's doing." Lorek said.

"I'm sure she's fine." the Viera sniper said. "She promised she'd come back, after some, er… 'soul-searching,' I believe the term was."

"I wonder why, kupo?"

"Oh, I don't know." Hodges said sarcastically, "Maybe the fact that her sister died had something to do with it."

"…Oh yeah…" Lorek said quietly. "…But she did promise to come back, kupo?"

"Correct." Jeanne said in a cold voice that suggested this conversation was unpleasant.

"Okay, kupo!" Hodges sighed in exasperation and said to Jeanne,

"Ever think you may be the last form of intelligent life in Ivalice?"

"Every damn day." she answered without even looking away from the path ahead of them.

"Hey, guys?"

"What do you want, you fuzzy little midget?" the irritated Viera snapped.

"When did you guys change your kupo classes?"

"I was a thief like those other three idiots until about a year ago." Hodges said with a smirk. "I was fortunate enough to have the common sense to become a ninja, unlike them."

"Something tells me that you want Heath, Sabatini, and Diesel to be ninjas." Jeanne said with a quiet laugh.

"Well, they'd be better off." the slightly arrogant ninja said.

"What about you, Jeanne?"

"Hmm? Well…I used to be a white mage, a long, long time ago. Then I became an elementalist for a short while, but I didn't really like the whole 'spellcasting' thing. So I became an archer, and from there, a sniper. I'm happier fighting like this."

"Hard to believe you can be happy." Hodges said with a snicker.

"Shut up!" she answered with a playful punch to the shoulder. Lorek snickered and they both glared at him.

"Jeanne, do you feel like a game of 'kick-the-moogle'?"

"Sounds wonderful, Hodges." With the most evil look in their eyes, they chased Lorek (who was squeaking in panic) halfway to Muscadet. Eventually, the sound of a voice stopped them.

"Er…Excuse me?" They all stopped in their tracks, with Lorek falling, Jeanne tripping over Lorek, and Hodges tripping over Jeanne. The voice's owner, a young paladin, stood nearby.

"What do you want?" Jeanne snapped, disentangling her slender arms and legs from the moogle gunner and the human ninja.

"Are you all from Clan Koumori?"

"Yeah, so?" she asked as Hodges and Lorek stood up.

"I, uh…I'd like to join your clan."

"Kupo! Marche keeps telling us how much he wants a paladin in our party!" Lorek squeaked.

"Yeah. What do you think, Hodges?"

"…Whatever."

"I guess that's a yes. What's your name, kid?"

"…I'm Homer."

"Kupo, welcome to Clan Koumori, Homer!" Lorek said, jumping up excitedly.

"Shut up, midget." Jeanne said, whacking Lorek in the head and returning him to terra firma.

"Ouchie!"

"Are they…always like this?"

"Oh, yeah." Hodges said. "You'll get used to it."

Still later:

The four arrived in Muscadet, only to find Marche, Brish, and Montblanc with Julianne, who was wearing the clothes of an elementalist.

"Julianne?" Jeanne said, surprised. "You changed classes?"

"Yep!" she said with a smile. "I'm an elementalist!" Suddenly, there was a loud, girlish scream from nearby. As the group raced to the source they found Diesel and Sabatini crying like they had just been kicked. Why? Listen and we'll find out.

"You CAN'T do this to us!" Sabatini yelled.

"What'll we do WITHOUT you?" Diesel cried.

"You'll just have to get by." the ninja, Heath, said. That's right. Ninja. The 'illustrious leader' of the thief trio was no longer a thief himself, and that was why Sabatini and Diesel were screaming like they were being tortured. Rather pathetic, huh?

"I like the new look, Heath." Hodges said with a surprised look in his eyes.

"Yeah, well…I decided it was time not to renounce my thieving ways, but to lure my victims into a false sense of security by becoming a ninja but partly remaining, in fact, a bandit."  
"So that means…you're not quitting thievery?" Sabatini asked, sniffling like a three-year-old that just found their stuffed bunny.

"Of course not! What this means is that I'll be better than ever!"

"I knew it was too good to be true…" Hodges remarked in an undertone.

"So, Lorek," Marche asked, "who's your friend?"

"Oh, kupo! This is Homer, the paladin you've wanted for ages!"

"Lorek…er…I hate to break it to you, but I _am_ a paladin."  
"Yeah, kupo! That's why-" Midsentence, Marche's statement sunk into Lorek's tiny mind. "You…what?"

"I officially became a paladin while you guys were gone."

"Er…does that mean I should leave?"

"No, of course not." The overly nice blond said with a smile. "I'm sure there's a lot we can learn from each other."

"Oh, please! How clichéd, Marche!" came a familiar female voice. Simultaneously, every member of the party looked over at the voice to see a silver haired viera in the crimson uniform of a red mage.

"Who's th-"

"Melora!" Brish cried out in surprise. Lorek, giant pink hearts in place of his eyes, fought back the urge to yell, "She's PRETTY, kupo!"

"Friend Melora," Julianne suddenly said, standing about a foot away from her and getting more and more in the woman's face with every few words, "I am _overjoyed_ to see you again! Tell me, where have you come from, when did you change class, how have you been and are you still my friend?"

"Um…Salikawood, two weeks ago, fine, and…Sure."

"Oh, _joyous_!" the elementalist cried in a high-pitched voice, enveloping the red mage in a bone-crushing hug.

"Ack…can't…breathe…!"

"Julianne…?" Montblanc said, a little worried because of Melora's face turning an intriguing shade of mauve, 'I think you can let go now, kupo."

"Oh, dear…Sorry."

"It's…fine…" Melora said, her face returning to a normal color. Meanwhile, Diesel and Sabatini were ganging up on Heath.

"Are you SURE you're not quitting?" Sabatini asked.

"Er…Yes."  
"Are you REALLY sure?"  
"Yeah…"

"Really, really sure?" Diesel said.

"Y-yes!" Heath realized he was cornered with his back to the wall. Noticing his fellow ninja Hodges behind the two thieves, the dark haired, freaked out thief/ninja squeaked, 'Help?"

"Okay, guys." Hodges said to Diesel and Sabatini, "I think it's safe to say your leader isn't going to abandon you helpless morons."

"Hodges, are you suuuure?" Calmly, the older ninja smacked Diesel in the head.

"Don't start with me."

"…Sorry."

"Whatever. Go bother Brish or Marche."

"Okay!" Once they ran off, Heath looked like he realized something.

"What's up, kid?" Hodges asked out of pure curiosity.

"Y'know…I think this new class has actually awoken the dormant few brain cells in the empty vortex I call a head." With a smirk, Hodges answered,

"Heath, I think for the first time ever, I can agree with something you said." Suddenly, Heath got the same hearts in his eyes Lorek had when he saw Melora. Same hearts, different reason.

"Wh-why are you looking at me like that?" Sufficiently creeped out, Hodges took a step back.

"You should teach me how to be a ninja!" Hearts started floating around Heath's head.

"Wh-huh? Get away from me!"

"Teach me the ways of a ninja, master!" Still with hearts in his eyes, Heath latched onto Hodges's arm and wouldn't let go.

"What the-!" Hodges waved his arm around, trying to get Heath off of him. No luck. WHACK! He whacked his arm against the brick wall of the nearest building. There was no damage to the growth on his arm (a.k.a Heath) but the wall could be seen with heavy damage, crumbling around the edges of a large crack. "I knew you had a hard head, kid, but that's just ridiculous!"

"Train me, master…" Heath said, staring at Hodges with even larger hearts in his eyes.  
"G-get away!"

"Don't you see, master? We're like brothers…only _closer_…"

"We are no such thing! Get off of me!"

"Not until you train me…" Repulsed by the oversized pink hearts Heath had in place of his usual brown eyes, Hodges continued his various attempts to get The Growth On His Arm Formerly Known As Heath off of him, with no luck.

"…Someone get this psychopath off of me!" Jeanne glanced over and could hardly suppress a laugh at the sight.

"Need some help, Hodges?"

"No, y' think?" he replied sarcastically. "Get him off me!" Jeanne tried pulling Heath off, poking him, using her Marduk Bow for leverage…nothing worked.

"Come on, Jeanne, do something!"

"If you've got any 'bright ideas', let me know, idiot." the viera said in a ticked-off voice.

"Master…train me…"

"No! Get off!"

"Train me!" The hearts in his eyes got larger.

"No!" Jeanne sighed and thought of something.

"I know what to do." The viera jumped up into the branches of a tree, then jumped to a higher branch…then another…then another…then another. When the pale haired sniper was at the top of the tree, she pulled out an arrow and loaded it into her bow. Pulling back the ultra-tight string, she aimed and…

"ACK! Wait!" Sabatini interrupted.

"You can't shoot our supreme leader!" Diesel continued as they both stood between Jeanne and Hodges with The Arm Growth Formerly Known As Heath.

"Can't I? _Watch_ me, and don't think I can't shoot past you."

"…Diesel…?"

"Yeah, she'd probably do it, Sabatini…"

"…Sorry, Heath, but you're on your own!" Diesel cried as the two of them moved aside.

"Doubleshot!" Her first arrow narrowly missed, but the second one made contact…just not with the right target.

"ACK! MY _SPLEEN_!" Hodges screamed girlishly with Heath still attached to his arm as a red '36' appeared over his head for a moment.

"Actually, Hodges, that arrow's just embedded in your foot." After considering Sabatini's statement for a moment, Hodges screamed in a high-pitched voice:

"ACK! MY FOOT!"

"What happened?" Melora asked as the others came over after noticing the arrow in Hodges's foot.

"JEANNE SHOT ME, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!"

"Oh, get over it, you wimp…" Brish said, leaning over and yanking the black-feathered arrow from his foot.  
"OWWIE!" Jeanne gracefully jumped down from the tree and landed like a cat.

"Jeanne, kupo, did you shoot Hodges?" Montblanc asked.

"Train me, master!" The hearts seemed to have gotten bigger.

"Oh, SHUT UP!"

"Well, yes, but I was aiming for Heath."

"Why?" Marche asked.

"LOOK AT HIM! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD IN IVALICE, GET HIM OFF OF ME!"

"Er…let's see, kupo… Oh, I know what'll work!" A slight wind blew as golden energy collected in Montblanc's hands.

"What're you doing-"

"_Thundaga_!"

"HOLY-!" BOOM. A bright red '134' appeared over Hodges's head, and a '105' over Heath's. The good news? None. The bad news? Heath and Hodges are both more than slightly charred, and Heath is still latched onto Hodges's arm. "…What would have POSSESSED you to even THINK of doing something like that!"

"Erm…It seemed like a good idea at the time, kupo."

"…Heath?"

"Yes, master?"  
"If I agree to train you, will you give me back my arm?"

"Yes, master!"

"Fine. I'll train you, now GET OFF OF ME!" Heath let go and fell the few inches to the ground. "Sheesh…I'm gonna go to sleep now…" WHAM. With that dazed statement, the ninja fell over, huge anime-style swirls in place of his eyes.

"Okay, guys, who's got the phoenix down?" Marche asked. There was silence. "…Guys?"

"…We used the last of it in that last fight, kupo." Lorek said.

"Er…M-Melora? Do you have any?"

"Nope. That's why I came back so soon." She said with a laugh. "I was hoping you guys would have some."

"So who's going to the shop to buy it?" Silence again.

"You have to admit…" Melora said, "the quiet is a welcome change."

"But…guys!"

"Oh, comeon. We'll leave him like this tonight and I'll buy the phoenix down tomorrow morning." Brish said.

"…Well…alright, I guess."

"Then it's settled! Let's all get some sleep, 'kay?" They all set up camp on the outskirts of Muscadet.

"…Guys…?" the slightly charred Heath said. "The electrocution seems to have rendered my legs useless…guys? I can't move…Help?"

/owari/


End file.
